Sunday, January 30, 2011

Golf Still Needs Tiger Woods, but Ben Crane Provides Much-Needed Laughs


SAN DIEGO -- Tiger Woods wasn't at Torrey Pines golf course Tuesday, thankfully. Allowed me and the real golf writers more time with my new pal, Ben Crane.

Crane won the PGA event here last January, then said he won because he hadn't expected to win. Many golfers are full of hooey like that. But come to find, Crane has a gift for goofy.

Clowning with friends, he recently acted a loon in two videos that became YouTube hits. The pale and bald former Oregon Duck's 90-second bursts of silly prompted more fan feedback than his three PGA wins in nine years.

"It's been an amazing response," he said.

Desperate for material since their meal ticket Tiger's gone so long without winning, the New York Times guy and three other golf writers crowded Crane here Tuesday for word on his next flick. "We're going to launch another one maybe next month," he said, like we were all at Sundance.

In the first video, he spoofs a golfer's workout routine, the best part Crane frantically swinging a foam stick called a "sludge wand."

Think Stephen Colbert or John Cleese after two Italian espressos.

Golf's mental side drives video two.

"I have sensors in my hand, and I'm constantly receiving vibrations from the course's crust," Crane says, Zen-like.

Comedy is delivery and timing, and a famous actor told Crane he has it.

"George Clooney came up to me at my friend's 50th birthday," he said, explaining how the nonsense began.

Clooney urged Crane to further indulge his silly side after seeing his funny ode to the birthday honoree, a mutual friend. "He came up to me three times at the party and said, 'Look, that was awesome.' "

Branching out, Crane is teaming up with golfer Rickie Fowler for his next video.

If Tiger hasn't won by then, golf writers may be pressed to add film criticism to their repertoires. Another reason I'm rooting for Tiger this weekend is because if his drought goes much longer, golf will be painfully desperate for attention. The Cutler Syndrome will play out, Love III Tweeting barbs about Singh, and extra-bored golf announcers saying "golf shot" 50 times an hour instead of 30.

Crane, too, has my support this week because I had his support at Torrey a month ago.

Wanting to feel better about their golf skills, three golf writers let me play in their group on media day, and who shows up on the third hole but Crane. The man hollered like a cabbie as my tee shot flew on a par-3 -- "Be the right one, be the right one!" Shocked that it'd been hit flush, the ball sailed over the green.

Somehow I birdied the next hole, and rather than faint, Crane pumped his arms as he sped down the cart path. "Greaaat shot!"

Ben CraneBut he won't hear me yell for him, because I won't, no, can't, watch him. Our guy Ben plays too slowly for anyone not sedated to watch. Even his fellow pros find his pace excruciating. He's only 34 but diddles between shots like an arthritic grandfather.

When playing only for fun, he doesn't dawdle. And he's not always sun-dial slow in pro rounds, saying 2010 was his best year partly because he did less mulling between swings. Wanting more for my new friend, I told him to be true to his school. Oregon football coach Chip Kelly, I reminded him, feels the need for speed.

"If Chip Kelly keeps it up, we're going to have to go quick between shots," he conceded.

He winced at the mention of Oregon, saying last month's loss to Auburn is still fresh. Reminding us he's a golfer not a gridder, he blamed the defeat on slick sod planted not long before the game.

"We were the fastest team maybe college football has ever seen," he said, and I assume Ben was out golfing when Pete Carroll's best USC teams played. "It was somewhat taken away by the field. So, I'm hanging my hat on the fact that if we'd played that game on turf, or a faster surface, we would have beaten them by two touchdowns."

Funny as a sludge wand, our guy Ben.

Tom Krasovic
Tom Krasovic | Twitter: @tomkrasovic | E-mail: passtk@aol.com

Tom is a Senior Writer for FanHouse. He served as a Padres beat reporter for the San Diego Union-Tribune and a Chargers beat reporter for the San Diego Union, where he previously worked as national college basketball columnist and a San Diego State beat reporter. He also worked for Aviation Week & Space Technology, the Los Angeles Times and newspapers in Ventura County (Ca.) and Ohio. He is a member of the BBWAA and is a Hall of Fame voter.

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